


All this Time, I Have Been Yours

by munshayne



Series: KuroTsuki Week 2020 [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, First Love, KuroTsuki Week 2020, M/M, Pain, Reminiscing, Songfic, Vlogger kuroo tetsurou, Vlogger tsukishima kei, wrong time right person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:00:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25463611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/munshayne/pseuds/munshayne
Summary: “If you could turn back the time, what’s the one and only thing that you would change?”“I would have taken the risk and hurt everyone just to have you.”
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Series: KuroTsuki Week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1844272
Comments: 8
Kudos: 41





	All this Time, I Have Been Yours

**Author's Note:**

> KuroTsuki Week 2020!! Day 2: Angst/Drama
> 
> I am not an experienced writer therefore I'm sorry for grammatical errors and repetitive words/phrases.
> 
> They follow a different time phase in this story!
> 
> I recommend listening to [ to this song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxsY8GvoQQE)

“No. I am not doing this. Nope.” Tsukishima said, wanting to leave his friends behind. 

It was just another normal day for him or so he thought. Kei planned the day to be his resting day because he’s been editing non stop for the past several days. Never in his life would he have imagined that he’ll grow up to be a youtuber.

To be honest, Kei doesn’t really know himself why a lot of people enjoy his vlogs? His videos are mostly montage, study with me, cooking, and sometimes commentary videos. Their gang started it for fun. At first, Kei being his cold self was absolutely against the idea.

He figured out that people would prefer to watch videos of happy go lucky Noya and Tanaka, soft and sweet Yamaguchi and loud and crazy Hinata. 

Kei agreed to upload a video once, just once but what he didn’t expect is people paying attention to his random vlog to school? He didn’t have a script or anything planned; it was just him and his normal day of going to school.

Eventually, each channel consistently grew larger. Kei would be lying if he said he didn’t feel obligated at first but as time goes on he eventually… loves it. One day he just woke up and suddenly looked forward to his fans comments, tweets and edits about him.

“Come on Tsukki, it’s a great idea!” Yamaguchi pleaded and Hinata nodded with his mouth full of food. Kei looked at Tanaka and Noya with raised eyebrows. The two of them immediately looked away and drank their drink.

“The both of you have something to do with it huh?” He asked. 

“No! Not at all! We swear!” Tanaka denied crossing his arms.

“How did they even find out that we have a past??” Kei asked once again. 

“Well..” Hinata said then drank water before continuing. “We kind of mentioned it in some of our vlogs right? And on his q and a vlog he mentioned something about his first love and then boom fans connected the dots which caused rumors to spread around.” 

Kei took off his glasses and massaged his temple. Earlier, he found out that his fans wanted him to do a collaboration with another youtuber which unfortunately is his first love, Kuroo Tetsurou. Just thinking about him and Kuroo in a close space is making him feel things.

Sure, he always sees him on youtube fanfest but he always makes sures he won’t bump into him. Not because he hasn't moved on… or so he thought.

“What’s wrong with it? I think it will be better for your channel though. There’s no harm trying right?” Yamaguchi exclaimed.

“Unless…” Noya started and looked at him, no, they all looked at him. He knows that look. That ‘ _unless-you-haven’t-moved-on_ ’ look. The blonde didn’t answer and just looked away. 

“Wait a minute. Doesn’t he have some dating rumors going around? I am absolutely against the idea of having a video with him when he has a girlfriend or a boyfriend.” Kei argued, trying to find ways to not do the collaboration.

“It’s just rumors though, he didn’t confirm it.” Noya said then took a bite at his cake. 

“But, he didn’t deny it either.” Kei stated, shutting them up. In the end, he told them that he will think about it but he can’t promise anything. It’s most likely that he would decline though.

He came back home with a troubled mind... and heart. It’s possible that the man will contact him in a few days because the collaboration is nothing to him. It’s just a fanservice and an obligation to him. That’s what Kei kept telling himself.

And true enough, after a few days he received a text.

_[07/24/2020, 7:27 PM] Kuroo Tetsurou: Hello! It’s been a while_

_[07/24/2020, 7:30 PM] Tsukishima Kei: Hello Kuroo-san, yes it’s been a while_

_[07/24/2020, 7:30 PM] Kuroo Tetsurou: I was wondering if you’re up for a collab? It’s just a Q &A but it’s okay if you refuse no pressure :)) _

Kei dropped his phone on his bed and let out a deep, long sigh. He stared at the ceiling as memories of his first love came into his mind. The ones that he wants to remember but at the same time he doesn’t want to remember. It was still familiar, the pain,the sadness and the regret that he felt back then.

_[07/24/2020, 7:38 PM] Kuroo Tetsurou: Is that a no?_

_[07/24/2020, 7:41 PM] Tsukishima Kei: Sorry I dozed off a little but before I answer can I ask you something?_

_[07/24/2020, 7:41 PM] Kuroo Tetsurou: Yeah, sure go ahead_

Kei facepalmed himself and regretted his decision. He shouldn't have said that. But still, if he has a special someone things are different. 

_[07/24/2020, 7:47 PM] Tsukishima Kei: I don’t mean to pry or anything but there’s a rumor that you have someone in your life and if you do, wouldn’t they feel uncomfortable with this?_

_[07/24/2020, 7:47 PM] Kuroo Tetsurou: Oh…_

_[07/24/2020, 7:50 PM] Kuroo Tetsurou: Yeah_

_[07/24/2020, 7:55 PM] Kuroo Tetsurou: I do have someone, we didn’t make it public yet but the rumors are true_

_[07/24/2020, 7:59 PM] Kuroo Tetsurou: She said it’s okay though. She trusts me._

A soft chuckle came out of Tsukki. He rested his arms on his eyes. What answer did he expect? That there’s no one in his life right now? He finds it funny. He found it funny but he felt pain on his heart which he shouldn’t be feeling.

_[07/24/2020, 8:06 PM] Tsukishima Kei: One last, are you sure it’s okay? I don’t want to ruin any relationships_

_[07/24/2020, 8:08 PM] Kuroo Tetsurou: Yes.._

_[07/24/2020, 8:13 PM] Tsukishima Kei: Then okay._

_[07/24/2020, 8:13 PM] Kuroo Tetsurou: Really?_

_[07/24/2020, 8:20 PM] Tsukishima Kei: It’s for the fans and work right?_

_[07/24/2020, 8:20 PM] Kuroo Tetsurou: Yeah.. for work :)_

He feels uneasy. If he was in the girls position he wouldn’t let Kuroo do it. But that just shows how much they trust each other. That just shows how strong their bond is. He didn’t know what to feel. He wanted to be happy for him but why is his heart in pain, sadness? 

Will this help his career? Yes. Will this help him mentally and emotionally? No. Will he regret this later? Definitely yes.

The collaboration was the only thing in Kei’s mind for the past few days. He’s nervous… He’s nervous about being in the same space with him. He’s nervous talking to him again. Oh how he wished it was just like before but things were different now.. He has someone. And Kei needs to accept that. He should know his line. He was just his past. Not the present and definitely not the future.

“One strawberry milkshake please.” Kei said while taking out his pocket. He could feel the curious gaze from the staff but he ignored it. He was standing there patiently while the cashier was doing their work when he heard someone called his name.

“Tsukki?” Akaashi asked, unsure if it was him.

“It is you!”

“Akaashi-san.”

The blonde was surprised to see him. It's been years since they last talked to each other. Akaashi invited him for a walk if he's not busy and Kei agreed since maybe… talking to Akaashi will help him in some way.

Akaashi is in Kuroo's circle of friends. He was close with them when he was in high school. They'll often visit him every now and then with Kuroo before.

“How are you? I haven't got the chance to talk to you during fan fest.” Akaashi started the conversation.

“I'm doing good! Just doing vlogs here and there. I see that you're still going strong with Bokuto-san. I watch your vlogs sometimes by the way, it's heartwarming.” Kei said then took a sip on his drink.

“Thank you. We watch yours too to be honest. Your videos really give calming vibes. I like it.” 

The conversation went on. Catching up about their other friends who are also in the YouTube community. Kei knows that sooner or later the topic will go that way… and he was right.

“So you agreed for the collab?” Akaashi asked. Kei looked at the view in front of them and let out a sigh before nodding as response.

“Will you be fine? He must have said or you asked about it” He questioned. The blonde gave him a small smile reassuring him.

“I asked. Still hesitant but as long as they’re okay with it then I’m okay with it.” 

“No. I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about you. Will you be fine?” Akaashi asked seriously, this time staring right into Kei’s eyes.

“I will be.”

“You know.. If it still hurts you can always say no. That's the one thing I dislike about you. When it comes to him… you always say yes.” 

“Akaashi-san it was.. in the past. It's different now. I just did it for work and for the fans. Nothing else.” 

“Then have you moved on? From him?” 

Kei looked away and bit his lip. Akaashi always reads him so easily and he hates it. Even Yamaguchi can't read him when it comes to Kuroo but Akaashi knows it all.

“Yes… I guess.”

Maybe he's good at it. Good at convincing himself that everything's okay when it's not. Kei hates it that he got used to it. 

He got used to the pain. He got used being left out. He got used to being alone. He got used to getting his hopes up. He got used to being a second choice. But even though he got used… it still hurts.

At the end he was just a boy blinded and in need of love but sadly he chose the wrong person. 

Kei has been standing for a few minutes outside Kuroo's condominium, not yet ready to go in. Tanaka kept asking him if he likes to go with someone but the blonde said he can do it alone. He promised he will call though if something happens.

He fears that the girl is probably inside. He doesn’t know how to act if she is inside there. With one deep breath, Kei knocked on the door, fidgeting his hands while waiting for it to open. His heartbeat gets faster every second, wishing Kuroo is alone inside.

The door opened and his eyes met a hazel colored one. He immediately smelled that familiar scent. That scent that he loved and used before. 

“Hey.. I'm glad you made it. Come in?” Kuroo said then opened the door. The blonde excused himself and removed his shoes. He felt relaxed when he didn’t see any women’s shoes.

He was silent.. or rather he didn't know what to say for he was distracted by the loud pumping of his heart. It's always like this. His heart was always like this when it comes to him even if the years have gone by. 

He knows the boy was watching his every move but he took his sweet time observing the room. It’s still the condo that it was a few years ago. Nothing changed much as he can remember. His eyes went to the picture frames in the living room.

The blonde unknowingly formed a small smile while looking at the pictures. He would be lying if he said he didn’t miss being with them because.. He does so much. His smile slowly faded when his eyes landed on the last frame.

It was a picture of Kuroo and a girl, a very beautiful one. They suit each other, Kei thought. Looking at their smiles the blonde can see that they were contented with each other.

“She’s very pretty.” Kei said then forced a smile. The older didn’t answer and just stared at him for a while before saying thank you.

“Do you want anything before we start?” Kuroo asked, changing the topic.

“Thank you, but it’s okay.” 

Kei didn’t know why but he suddenly started feeling nervous for the nth time. They just tweeted to asked them questions under the hashtag #AskKRTSK. Deep breathes, deep breathes. He kept repeating himself. He flinched when he felt a sudden touch.

“Relax. It’s going to be fine.” Kuroo said, then reassured him with a smile. Both of them knew they were nervous. Kuroo noticed how Kei kept touching his glasses and Kei noticed how Kuroo kept running his hands through his hair. Those habits they had, both of them knew too well.

“Ehem, okay I’m ready.” Kei said with a closed fists encouraging himself as he looked at the camera’s rolling. Kuroo let out a chuckle that caught the blonde’s attention.

“I can imagine you doing that every time you start filming a new video.” Kuroo said then flashed a smile.

“Oh come on, it's to encourage myself, don't judge.” Kei said then pouted. Kuroo muttered a soft ‘cute’ under his breath but it was enough for the other to hear it. Of course, he pretended not to hear it to calm his heart.

“1, 2, 3…”

“Hi…”

_Cut_

“Welcome back to another vid- stop laughing God.”

“I am not laughing!”

_Cut_

“And I’m… Kei.”

“You’re awkward do you know that?”

“I’m not awkward!”

“Yes, you are!”

_Cut_

They spent an hour trying to make an introduction video, just the introduction. Suddenly, it felt so new. Sitting beside each other, talking to each other. It’s like they just met for the first time and everything’s unsure. Finally, after a few tries they succeeded introducing themselves. 

> **“How did you two meet?”**

“We met at the training camp. He was a third year while I was a first year. Let’s say we had a mentor and student relationship at first.” Kei said while smiling, reminiscing those days that happened in the training camp.

"Nope before we became mentor and student well let's say I said something and I pissed him off. Yes, a very bad first meeting." Kuroo added then cracked his neck to the side.

> **“First impression of each other?”**

“I immediately thought we won’t get along. I’m more of a wild person while he’s more of a.. Calm before the storm.” Kuroo said then laughed.

“Really? Can’t you describe me better than that?” Kei asked with a frowned face which made the man laugh even more.

“Hey, it's my first impression! Your first impression of me was something else though.”

“What do you mean something else!? My first impression of you is that you’re one of those typical bad boys or typical playboys in your school. You have this-”

“I have this playboy aura around me, I know. He said that a lot to me before that I memorized it already please.”

> **“How did the two of you get closer?”**

“To be honest, we just clicked. That’s it.” Kuroo answered briefly and Kei disagreed.

“I beg to disagree, we did not click. He annoyed me every single day at the camp. Please he was so annoying.” Kei exclaimed, then shut his eyes. 

“But you didn’t push me away because you liked it. And you got used to it. I’m right, don’t argue with me on that one.” Kuroo said with a grin on his face. Kei tried to say something but then pouted.

“Fine, you win.”

> **“Favorite thing about him?”**

“I guess my favorite thing about him was… how he can change my mood in an instant. He can just call my name or he can just sit beside me or he can just show himself to me I feel… safe and happy.” Kei said while trying not to look at the other but he knows he’s staring, staring too hard.

“The way I’m the only one who knows other sides of him. The way he just showed them to me and to me only. The way he was so open I can read him like a book. That was my favorite thing.” And the blonde hated that.

He hated the way Kuroo could easily read him. He hated the way he was like an open book when it came to him when the other’s couldn’t read him. He hated that he knew it all when he couldn’t even read his mind, his thoughts. 

Like, right now. He doesn't know what he’s thinking. Is this uncomfortable for him or did he want this to happen? Kei knows nothing.

> **“Least favorite thing about him?”**

“The thing he said earlier, that he can read me like a book. I despised that so much because I can’t keep secrets from him. He knows everything while I struggle reading his mind.” Kei ranted.

“I'm not really the type of person who shares problems. I just get quiet or distance myself. I guess I gave you a hard time didn’t I?” Kuroo asked.

“Yeah, you sure did but I still tried my best to be there for you when you need it. Yes, I'm not that cold.” Kei chuckled and looked at Kuroo.

"And I appreciate that, so much."

> **“When did you realize you have feelings for him?”**

“I knew it after two months of meeting him. He constantly texts me at random times, even facetime. I didn’t know myself that everyday I was waiting for him to call, to talk about his day and to annoy me. That’s when I knew.” Kei said then bit his lip. He met eyes with Kuroo but then avoided his gaze.

“I… honestly didn’t know. I guess… I did like him from the start... I was just in denial? Because I know some of my friends took a liking to him so I marked him as the no no zone." 

"A no no zone sounds like a- never mind." Kei said then looked away, blushing, realizing what he just said which made Kuroo laugh out loud 

> **“Who confessed first?’**

“Me.” They said in unison. Kei raised an eyebrow at the other only to be greeted by a frown. 

“When did you confess?” Kei asked, not remembering Kuroo confessing.

“Valentines, 2019.” 

Kei was sitting on the bleachers watching his co teammates being a mess. Kageyama just gave Hinata a rose in front of everyone and when everyone, as in everyone. The teams they had practice matches with or even official matches.

They were a mess and the blonde wants to be out of it and just watch from afar. He didn’t expect anyone to give him flowers considering how he’s always cold to others. But surprisingly he received three today. One from a girl in her class, one from someone he doesn’t know and one from Tanaka being the sweet senpai of him.

Kei's eyes widened when a rose was in front of his face. He looked up and saw Kuroo, dashing as ever with that smile of his.

“Happy valentines, Tsukki.” Kuroo sincerely said which brought butterflies on the blonde’s stomach.

“O-oh, thank you.” Kei stuttered then joined his teammates after he took the flower. That was the only thing he could do, run away. He can’t show him that he was happy, that he was glad, that he was blushing.

Not in front of him, not in front of his friends, not in front of everyone.

And Kuroo, unfortunately misunderstood that.

“That was not a confession.”

“It was a tried confession, shut up.”

“Exactly, ‘tried’ confession so that’s not confession you shut up.”

> **“What hindered you from telling your true feelings for him?”**

A long silence followed after reading the question. Kei stared at his hands and played with it carefully. It was in the past but Kuroo knows it still hurts Kei ‘till this day and hates how he can’t do anything about it.. Because he was a coward. Maybe it hurts even more now..

Kuroo looked down as Kei took a deep breath before talking.

“I think it was after a month that I realized I had feelings for him. I.. I found out that he was courting someone else. That someone else was a friend of mine, I started to keep my distance and backed away ‘cause he’s off limits haha.” 

“I’m sure he noticed it but he didn’t say anything and he just.. Let me be. Our daily calls changed to weekly or even monthly. Then after a while they got together. I was not surprised because I expected it. Who wouldn’t want someone like Kuroo Tetsurou? Tall, broad shoulders, nice physique, I guess a good attitude, sweet, caring and an asshole. You can find everything on him.”

“You think too highly of me.” Kuroo said, looking at Kei. He was not happy, nor sad. It was something else. The blonde forced a smile then continued.

“I liked you that much, Kuroo Tetsurou. And oh that’s not the only thing there’s-”

“It’s okay if you don’t share anymore I-”

“Kuroo-san it’s a Q and A.” 

Another deafening silence was heard. Kuroo didn’t want Kei to continue what he was going to say anymore because I know it’s going to hurt the blonde.. No.. It’s going to hurt him even more hearing him talk about those painful things that he experienced when he was turning a blind eye.

“We broke up not too long after we got together. I mentioned it to some of my vlogs but she broke up with me because he said that he's afraid that his parents would find out because he was not yet out of the closet and that he’s not ready.” Kuroo added.

“We went back to the way we were. Daily calls, text, facetimes. I thought that.. Maybe it’s time. Maybe this time, it’s me. But it was nothing but maybe. I later on found out Da- no let’s not name him, a friend of mine has a crush on him. And then some time after that I found out another friend of mine has something for him too and another one and so on and so forth.”

“You’re strong, I hope you know that.” Kuroo said softly. His gaze is not leaving Kei’s as he speaks.

“I do know that but I didn’t know how I handled it. I didn’t know I handled them talking about you. I didn’t know how I handled listening to their stories and fantasies about you. I didn’t know how I handled teasing them. I didn’t know how I handled every time they’ll just scream out of nowhere because you posted a photo. I didn’t know I handled all that but I did handle all that and I’m kind of proud of myself to be honest.”

“I guess I was jealous how they can freely talk about you while I’m there hiding my feelings for you because I didn’t want to hurt them and it’s my fault that I kept it to myself. I should have told someone about it, even just one person because damn it hurts keeping that all alone.”

That was Kei's deepest secret, liking Kuroo Tetsurou. He kept it a secret because he doesn't want to hurt his friends. He doesn't want to lose the friendship that he and Kuroo has. He wouldn't have kept it a secret of he knows that that secret will turn into regrets in the future.

> **“What do you miss about each other?”**

“Hmm, I miss teasing him and then he’ll get annoyed. Then we’ll fight then I’ll sue him while he keeps pouting. Then I would treat him to his favorite bakery and then we’re okay again. Strawberries guys, strawberries.” Kuroo answered with a grin on his face and raised hands.

“Yeah he loves that. I guess… I do miss him being annoying. My days were quieter but not that quiet since I have Hinata, and the duo and Yamaguchi but yes it’s a little quieter.” Kei stated.

“Really? That’s the only thing you miss about me? Come on you can do better than that.” Kuroo complained then rolled his eyes which made the blonde roll his eyes as well.

“Fine! Whenever I’m in a bad mood or had a bad day, he will immediately notice it and ask if I’m okay. That, I miss that. Because my other friends can’t tell. To them it’s just.. Me.” Kei chuckled and fixed his glasses.

“Yup, only me. Kuroo Tetsurou.”

> **“What is something you liked doing together?”**

The both of them looked at each other and smiled. They know they were thinking the same thing.

“Singing.” Both said in unison.

“It must be a surprise. I mean, me and him singing? You guys must have not expected that at all but we do sing together during our facetimes.” Kuroo bragged. 

All Karasuno’s members know that Kei is good at singing but he doesn’t like singing in front of other people but if it’s with Kuroo it’s a different topic. Kuroo’s the only one who can hear his singing like every single day.

When Kuroo first heard Kei singing, he was shocked. He didn't expect him to have a soft, calming voice. The voice that he would like to hear every single day.

Kuroo being drawn to the unconsciously singing person, started singing along. That's when Kei realized he was singing and accidentally ended the call.

Not because he was shy. Not because Kuroo caught him singing. It's because he heard Kuroo's singing voice and the fact that he was singing along with that deep voice of him sent shivers down his spine and butterflies on his stomach.

“Not gonna lie, he has a good voice. You guys should hear it.” Kei agreed, which Kuroo was not expecting. 

“Nah I’m shy. And oh! I liked reviewing him every time he had a test or exam.” The older one added.

“Yes, he reviews me. He’s not really that dumb so it helps me.”

> **“Favorite memory?”**

“Everything.” They said in unison. Both of them looked at each other and silence took over. They didn’t say anything, they just stayed quiet. Their eyes are enough. They know what they meant.

"An example of everything?" Kuroo asked, his head tilting. Kei looked up forming a sentence on his head.

"Just... everything. You know the feeling that you're doing something normal with the one you loke it will suddenly become special. Like, talking 'till 5 or 6 am? Singing duets out of nowhere? Talking about each other's day? Travelling 3 hours just to see the other? Things like that."

> **“Least favorite memory?”**

“Swimming, May 15, 2019. Yeah I know I remember the date.” Kei said then let out a chuckle.

“It’s the same for… May 15, 2019.”

_May 15, 2019._

Kei promised to himself if Kuroo asks him one more time, he's going to confess. One month ago, Kuroo suddenly asked Kei if he has someone he likes.

The blonde was taken back. Of course be would feel nervous when the one who's asking is the one he likes. Kei being Kei avoided the question but Kuroo knows something was up.

And yes, Kuroo's bothering him for the past month about that. 

"God you guys are so annoying!" Kei said while wiping his face. Kuroo and Bokuto just carried him and dumped him into the pool. Karasuno, Nekoma and Fukurodani are all together. The nationals ended a few weeks ago and they decided to go swimming as a reward for doing well.

"Akaashi come here. Get on my back." Bokuto said and turned around, showing Akaashi his broad back. 

"Okay but don't suddenly go underwater Bokuto-san." Akaashi said before wrapping his arms around Bokuto's neck. Bokuto's been giving everyone a back ride and Kei was a victim earlier. It was not that uncomfortable unlike what Kei have imagined.

“What’s up with that look?” The blonde asked when he caught Kuroo looking.

"Don't you have something to tell me?" Kuroo asked.

Kei's heart started beating faster. Sure he promised himself he'll confess but he had hope Kuroo won't ask him anymore.

"Come on who's the lucky guy??" Kuroo said getting closer at Kei. 

Kei backed away from him, and the couple of people beside them. He doesn't want them to hear. With a loud and a nervous heart, Kei said..

"It's you." Kei confessed. 

"What me? You too!" Kuroo said. The younger mentally face palmed himself when Kuroo didn't get what he meant.

"I meant it's you! You're.. the one." 

"O-oh... me." 

With that, Kei left him shocked. He didn't see him moving any time soon. The blonde planned to avoid him for the rest of the day but he can feel his gaze on him, just like now.

"He's staring at you." Yamaguchi said. The others were eating when the both of them were in the pool. Kei made an excuse that there was no sun so he wanted to go swimming and the other joined him.

"I know. Don't look at him." Kei complained.

"But he is staring. Are you planning to avoid him for the rest of the day?" Yamaguchi asked, questioning his best friend's decision.

"Yes now shut up and let me swim in peace." 

Kei started to open up to a very few people a few months ago. It was Yamaguchi, Akaashi and Sugawara who knows his secret. He just can't bare it all by himself anymore.

Avoiding Kuroo for the rest of the day went well for Kei. Every time Kuroo's on the right side of the pool he'll go to the right side. If the raven is on the left side he'll go to the right. Or if Kuroo's in the pool he'll be in the cottage.

He hopes he doesn't realize that he's avoiding him and that was the most foolish thought that Kei made.

Kei was listening to Bokuto's story about Akaashi for the past five minutes now. He knows something was up but he didn't dwell much on it.

"I'm sorry, Tsukki." Bokuto said with a smile while scratching the back of his head. Kei frowned when the man was suddenly backing away. 

Then he felt a body on his back. He immediately turned around and saw Kuroo. He didn't realize that they were isolated from the rest. The teams were on the left side while they were on the right, just the two of them.

"Stop avoiding me, will you?" Kuroo said while getting closer to Kei and Kei backing away.

"I'm not avoiding you." Kei denied but avoiding his eyes as well which made the raven laugh.

"Then look me in the eye and say that you're not avoiding me." Kuroo stated. 

"I'm not.. avoiding... you." Kei said while looking at his eyes for a brief moment before looking away. Kei tried to brush him off a few times but the raven was persitent. They kept moving around the pool until Kuroo locked him in his arms.

"There. Now no avoiding me." 

Kei was in utter defeat. He can't run away now. He knows he needs to face him, now or never. 

They spent a few minutes just beside each other. The silence was not deafening but it was not comforting either.

"Since when?" Kuroo started, looking at Kei intently.

"A few months after meeting you." Kei answered honestly, there's no point in lying anyway. Besides, this must be the last time.

"That long huh?" Kuroo said and looked up at the clear sky. "Why did you hide it?" He added.

"Because my friends like you and you were courting someone that time so I couldn't do anything and just.. watch you from a far." 

"Fuck, I wasted my chance." Kuroo cursed and messed his hair. Kei's eyes widened and look at Kuroo, confused.

"W-what the fuck are you saying?" Kei questioned his reaction.

"Would you believe me if I said I liked you, Tsukishima Kei?" Kuroo asked, not beating around the bush. 

And just like that Kuroo Tetsurou broke his heart for the nth time. 

That day, Kei found out Kuroo's side of the story. He found out that Kuroo liked him at the start. He found out that Kuroo courted that girl before because he wanted to forget about Kei, since he was still young. He found out how Kuroo began to accept his feelings for him when he and that girl broke up.

Kei found out how many times Kuroo tried to confess to him but failed. Because he thought he had no chance. Because he thought he sees him as a friend and nothing else. He found out that slowly.. he let go of his feelings for Kei.

He gave up on Kei because he doesn't want to ruin their friendship... just like Kei.

But when Kuroo heard Kei's side of story, both knew that they could never go back to the way they used to be. They could never go back to being just friends. That's why Kei cut his contacts and chose to regret it for the rest of his life.

Kei cried for days, weeks and months. What if thoughts occupying his head, eating him alive. 

What if it was the right person but the wrong time?

What if he confessed long ago? 

What if both of them tried taking the risk?

What if both of them tried giving a little more?

What if both of them received a happy ending together?

What if both of them will receive a happy ending.. but not together?

> **"What am I to you?"**

There was a long silence after reading that question. The both of them thinking hard and deeply. Kei figured out that he should just go first. 

"Kuroo Tetsurou is my biggest blessing but biggest lesson at the same time. The time I spent with him felt like a dream. A good dream. He's my biggest what if. He's my TOTGA, the one that got away. He's my almost. He's my biggest regret. He's my first and great love." Kei answered then bite his lips, avoiding Kuroo's eyes. 

"Tsukishima Kei is my biggest blessing. He's the best of best friends. He's my crying shoulder. Despite how he looks and acts he's my comfort person. He's the one who made a huge impact on my life. He's the one I regret not taking risk for. He's my student, my friend, my best friend, my first and greatest love." 

"What do you wish for each other?" 

"I wish... I wish the next time you'll meet someone you will take the risk, no chance or high chance, I hope you'll take the risk. I wish you won't regret anything anymore because I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy so much even if I can't be by your side anymore. I wish if you find that person, you won't give them mixed signals like you did to me because you're just gonna repeat the same mistake over again. I wish if you find that person.. they'll be the one who will you spend the rest of your life with." Kei said then bumped their shoulders, forcing a smile. A smile that caused pain in Kuroo's heart.

"I... I wish you happiness... because I brought you nothing but pain. I wish you'll find someone who's far better than me. The one who'll take risk with you and not a coward like me. I wish they could give you all the love, assurance and comfort that I failed to give you. I wish that you'll grow and fly higher than everyone else. I wish there'llbe a lifetime.. and in that world I'm yours and you're mine." 

Kuroo unconsciously held Kei's hands. The blonde smiled squeezed their intertwined fingers, assuring Kuroo that everything's fine.

> **“If you could turn back the time, what’s the one and only thing that you would change?”**

“I would have taken the risk and hurt everyone just to have you.” Kei answered, almost like a whisper while staring at Kuroo’s eyes. He held back his tears, because he didn't want to be vulnerable in front of him. He wants to show him that he’s strong even if Kuroo’s not beside him. He wants to show him that he’s strong without a significant other.

"If I could turn back the time.. I would have confessed the moment I realized that I like you. I shouldn't have be a coward back then. I would have taken the risk. I would have.. make Tsukishima Kei mine."

The filming felt like it lasted forever. Once it ended, they didn’t say anything. Kei just quietly fixed his things as Kuroo just stayed sitting. Kei put his bag on his shoulder and looked at Kuroo.

“Thank you. I hope the video will turn out well”

He was about to leave when Kuroo called him.

“Kei…” 

“Y-yes?”

“If… If I don’t have anyone right now… Can you be mine?” Kuroo asked, his voice shaking. Kei holds on tighter to his bag. He wanted to tell him. He wanted to answer. But he can’t. Answering that question means that there will be a high chance Kuroo will have second thoughts about his current girl.

And Kei doesn’t want that. If he answers him… it will be harder for him to let him go completely and he needs to let go. He knows that deep inside him, a part of loving him - Kuroo Tetsurou - was letting go. 

“Bye bye, tetsurou.”

Kei immediately left him, alone. He mutters curses under his breath as tears keep falling down on his face. This will be the last time I’m gonna cry for him, he thought. This is definitely the last time I swear, he thought. He wants to be happy. He wants to be happy alone. Because a person should not depend on other people for happiness. They need to find it within themselves.

He should stop reminiscing about the past. He should stop thinking of all the maybe’s because it’s over a long time ago. He should stop all of these if he really wants to be happy because he deserves more and he knows that.

Kei couldn’t help but think... 

If... 

If Kuroo has no significant other at this moment. 

If there’s no hindrances between them today, Kei would have wholeheartedly answered that Kuroo doesn’t need to ask if he could be his because all this time.. 

**“All this time I have been yours.”**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading this!
> 
> This story holds a precious place in my heart because I have experienced this in real life. I changed some things though! But I did experience the pain that Tsukki experienced on this story. I don't ever want anyone to experience this kind of pain because it hurts a lot. If you experienced this like me, I just want you to know that I love you so much and you are a strong person. Heads up Queens and Kings <33


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